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Hillarious Book Excerpt: Death by Tartar Sauce

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Our dear friend and veteran travel writer, Jules Older, has written the funniest book of travel stories: Death by Tartar Sauce, A Travel Writer Encounters Gargantuan Gators, Irksome Offspring, Murderous Mayonnaise, & True Love. We loved it so much that we just had to share an excerpt.  Hope you enjoy as much as we did:

Night[mare] at the Opera

 

What’s the point of being a parent if you don’t use it to inflict on your children all the cultural advantages you hated when you were their age?

That’s my adage, and that’s why I use every family trip as an opportunity to enrich my daughters’ lives with things I know they won’t appreciate. We live in a town of under 200, so even a trip to Podunk is a cultural adventure. “Oh, look, kids — that’s a McDonalds!”

But it’s on family vacations to the big city where parental cultural hegemony really kicks in. And, as in school or the Army, there’s not a darned thing the little ones can do about it.

Or so I thought. But that was before I gave my daughters the ultimate Believe-Me, You’ll-Thank-Me-Later cultural experience: opera. In the fabled Sydney Opera House.

Oh, and not just any opera — ”Kids, we got lucky. You’re not gonna believe this, but I managed to get us tickets to Madame Butterfly!”

They continued to jump from one hotel-room bed to the other, completely ignoring the tone of false heartiness I was trying so hard to pass off as enthusiasm. My wife threw me a look, which despite its brevity, managed to convey without so much as a misplaced comma, “You lugnut, when are you ever going to learn? If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times — they’re too young to be dragged kicking and screaming into high culture.”

But opera tickets are non-refundable. And thus, we found ourselves sitting front and center when the curtain went up. At first, the majesty of it all sent the kids into a dazed, hushed silence. But even majesty wears off, especially when people are singing/screeching very loudly in extremely high voices. And even more especially when, from a strictly visual viewpoint, the romantic leads are so poorly matched.

Madame B. was no slender Asian reed. She was, in fact, a rather large Teutonic type who might be better cast as someone named Brunhilda and more comfortable wearing a horned helmet rather than a kimono. By contrast, the lovestruck Lieutenant — well, here’s how Daughter A (I use the A to protect her identity, which is Amber Older) loudly reacted to him: “Why is that man so little?!”

In a voice that rivaled those onstage, Daughter W (a.k.a. Willow Older) asked, “Is he supposed to be her boyfriend?”

I shushed them both and nodded. In an even louder voice, Daughter A bellowed, “He’s too old for her!”

Matching her decibel for decibel, her sister hollered, “And too small. Way too small. He’s just a teeny-ween —”

My wife and I reached over to silence our progeny, but not before everyone sitting within a 20-seat range did exactly the same. Between my daughters’ critiques and a chorus of “Shhhhh’s,” you could no longer hear the singers.

But as so often happens in these situations, things rapidly got worse. Despite the threat of The Death By A Thousand Shhhh’s from the surrounding seats, plus a rapidly escalating series of parental warnings (“If you don’t behave, we’re leaving right this minute!” “Yeaaa!” “OK, if you say one more word, you’re grounded for the rest of the century!” “How long’s a century?”), my progenies’ loud commentary continued unabated throughout the entire first act.

When we made for the exit at intermission, so did most of the people sitting around us.

I never did figure out whether they were leaving because of my daughters… or because they too were only there because someone made them go.

—-

Night[mare] at the Opera is a chapter in Jules Older’s new ebook, DEATH BY TARTAR SAUCE: A Travel Writer Encounters Gargantuan Gators, Irksome Offspring, Murderous Mayonnaise & True Love. It’s available on all platforms.


Jules has been a college counselor, psychology professor, medical educator, disc jockey, ski instructor, writer, broadcaster, editor, and for one brief moment of intense pleasure, a villain on television.  His children’s book, COW, (Charlesbridge) was named a “Pick of the Lists” by the American Booksellers Association, was chosen as a featured children’s book by Southwest Airlines and named one of the “Best Books of 1997” by Rathbone Children’s Book Service. His newest children’s book, Snowmobile: Bombardier’s Dream Machine has been named a Junior Library Guild Selection.

Travel with kids to: CA |CO | DC| FL | HI | IL |MA | NC | NJ | NY | OR| PA| TN | TX | UT | VA | WA

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3 Responses to Hillarious Book Excerpt: Death by Tartar Sauce

  1. jules older August 15, 2012 at 7:40 pm #

    Should you ever doubt the power of Trekaroo and its readers, consider this:

    The day before a chapter DEATH BY TARTAR SAUCE was published in Trekaroo, the ebook’s Amazon Best Sellers Rank was 453,458. The next day, it was 127,253. That is one major improvement.

    So, big thanks to Trekaroo, and majkor mahalo to you all.

    jules

  2. kbodell August 16, 2012 at 9:36 am #

    Awesome, Jules! Thanks for sharing this great excerpt!

  3. doubleadventure August 22, 2012 at 7:07 pm #

    I am glad Trekaroo could help! If you ever need stories for Death by Tartar Sauce Part II, I have about a million of them.

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